"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~ Hendry David Thoreau
"I am still making order out of chaos by reinvention." ~ John le Carre
The need for change, it comes as a surprising comfort. The inevitable contradiction. I find myself inescapably surprised by the timing of it, always, and yet, comforted by the notion that some day, soon, I won’t be the same. A new version of myself. I’ll be. Changed. Forever anew. Refreshed. Uncharted territory, the venture into the unknown, once again. The time to go in new directions, the time to part ways with the old, some of my closest and most trusted friends. Oh how my human heart breaks. She crumbles to the floor and lay before my feet. The breaking of cycles and the parting with lives that I’ve decided I’m done living. Joyous. Exciting. Gut-wrenching. Transitions in life. Awareness. I realize, I’ve grown so attached to the baggage I’ve been carrying along. Oh how I’ve grown so attached.
"Life is just a slide. Back and forth between loving and leaving, remembering and forgetting, holding on and letting go." ~ Nicole Lyons
These revelations are not new, they have been a lifetime in the making. Causes unseen. Undeniably connected. We see who we are in relation to our context — family, friends, community, partnerships. We decide collectively upon the dark matter which enfolds us. Ideas perceived and our thoughts made manifest. Dancing of vines intertwined together. Visions. You see, I am not seeing me, I am seeing what I think you think of me. Images distorted. Lifetimes blurred. Clear glass amidst the thickened fog. Confused. I’ve been making it about the wrong thing, it isn’t about the baggage, not anymore, it’s about me. The only one left to misguide me. Myself. Old patterns. Died out beliefs. Conditionings I never asked for. Habits, like a sponge. Absorbed. Grasping for my sanity. Walking towards consciousness, reaching for the reins of. Freedom. To be. me. Unrepressed. To exist without context.
"These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb." ~ Najwa Zebian
Kybel, my love. Chaos the dragon, the one who raised me. She tried to show me that I could never breathe free. Raised on lies, clothed in the wool of sheep. Malignant. She stripped from me emotion, commanding all of it for herself, leaving no room for me to feel. anything. Chaos. The victim, holding the only right to feel. Everything. Except for anger, she refuses to accept him for herself, terrified, and thus, she denies others his right. And so, she shames them. Anger, he’s too unsightly, unfeminine. Reserved for the boys. Anger, the only one who could save me and yet, somehow, she took him from me anyway. Self declared sanctity. She projected her shame and robbed me of my right to choose. It was never okay for me to be angry. I screamed out in pain and she just, walked over me, unable to face the outward expression of the life she had created. Hypocrisy. My life a trophy of her perceived accomplishment. Self righteous, her make believe stories. Demanding all the attention while claiming it makes her uncomfortable. Narcissistic. Lost. An eager little girl, desperate to please any man, especially those in need of saving. Inappropriate doesn’t even begin to cover it. Lost translations. Hard to encapsulate. Impossible to explain. I have searched the depths of darkness and walked amidst the shadows. I have dug up the shallow graves of my past and burned the bodies in the fire. I’m choking on the smoke. I’m crying for a chance at life, unburdened. I plead to chaos and the life she made. They are, inexplicably connected. Please, Kybele, the time has come for me to go. You live with your decisions, it’s time I learn to live with mine. Alone. You’re drowning in the lake amidst a sea of life boats. Open your eyes. You and I are not the same. It takes more than a cat to be a tiger.
"In the process of letting to you will lose many things from the past, but you will find yourself." ~ Deepak Chopra
Patterns repeating. Chaos. She lives in the depths of the darkest waters. Sweet. Alluring. Seductive. She charms her way back into my life. Once again, she takes from me my emotion. Confused. How is it that without her I am flat, emotionless, docile? I fear I’ve lost my passion. Anger. Where has he gone? My beloved words, they fail me here. Afraid to write the truth, fearful to unveil her. Chaos. Blindly loyal to her subduing. I need her, she’s been with me all my life. You think you know me? You do not. You have no idea the silent hell that’s burning, just beneath my skin. surface level. Raging fire. Uncontrolled. Destructive. Patterns forged, a lifetime in the making. They are not new, they have been with me. All my life. The time has come to say goodbye to my dearest friend, anger. He made a lifetime out of saving me. My human heart, she breaks. Oh how I’ve grown so attached.
"I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become." ~ Carl Jung
Reality. Hard to digest. Yet I find myself, here, again. Different situation, same pattern. The pattern. Confused, trying to make heads from tails. How did I get here? Again. The cycles keep repeating and I realize that I’m the sole manufacturer. So what is it that I’m doing? I say I want one thing and I do, I promise you, I’m still learning how to break free. They’re patterns for a reason, if we could all just get over them then we would, without hesitation. The fact is, it’s a process and it’s important to know when you can handle something yourself and when you need to reach out for some guidance. It’s vital to our health to be able to stand tall, alone, and yet, it is also essential that we experience life from varying and different perspectives; helping us to broaden our own. It can be hard to see the forest through the trees, unless we take a birds-eye view and see the bigger picture. I’ve learned how to reach out for help, and being able to do so has assisted me in my most recent and familiar revelations. It’s important to know who to trust and it’s important to know who will be of the most benefit in our lives. Equally. Often we reach out to loved ones that have the best of intentions but also carry a lot of their own fears alongside their opinions and advice; this can be damaging to our psyche and our highest good. Be intentional, this is your life, be thoughtful with who you entrust it to. I would advise you to choose those who have experience in jumping the hurdles you now face. I would suggest you choose someone who is not further back than you. I would hope you choose someone who truly wants you to be free. Without context.
"Freedom is nothing but a chance to be better." ~ Alber Camus
You’ll always find your way, I promise. There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities, but I’d be lying if I said they don’t often feel like mistakes at the time. I’ll be honest with you, no point in lying now. I’m a lover of learning and still, I’ll be doing my best to step out of my own way and avoid the unnecessary lessons. Flunking classes. Repeating grades. I’m leaving my luggage behind as I aim for the path of least resistance. There’s enough suffering and pain in the world, there’s enough to be sad over. Personally, I don’t feel the need to continue to get in my own way and extend the process for myself. Let’s not add to the unhappiness of the world, please. I’m shooting for satisfaction and joy and yes, sadness when she visits me, but only worthy sadness. unavoidable. Healing. Not the sadness of repeated realization. Worn out ideation. Potholes I dug on streets I grew up on, surprised every time I fall in. My life, an absurd charade. Childish play. The exhausted act. Chaos can be confused with adventure when you’ve had a life filled with the former. No thank you, I’m moving on and out. Who’s with me?
These revelations are not new, they have been a lifetime in the making. Old patterns. New insights.
Take my hand as you walk with me. I will show you how you can learn to breathe free, as we dare to live beyond the context.
Tell me, my dear, what patterns are you trying to break free of?