"How often Love shoulders the blame for the troubles of Doubt. ~ Chloe Frayne
"Dance, when you're broken open. Dance, if you've torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you're perfectly free." ~ Rumi
It feels like summer, but it is not summer. The winds have changed. I hear crickets outside and a warm cool breeze breathes through my window. I’m feeling a mixture of things. A heaviness. A weight on my chest. Sadness, melancholy, loneliness. My heart breaks, but not for me. Well, partly for me. For the world. Who am I kidding? For me. My heart is breaking. It breaks for all the times I haven’t been met there, on that bridge of vulnerability. That bridge. Where heaviness is always eager to greet me. The times I’ve waited. past. present. I’m still waiting. The feeling not the same, but similar. The faces. so many different faces.
"Someone can be madly in love with you and still not be ready. They can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. And whatever their reasons you must leave. Because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. There is more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen, out here in this wide and wild universe. And there is the love that will be ready." ~ Nayyirah Waheed
So many people think they’re being vulnerable, allowing me to peer through the cracks in their well intentioned and cleverly built walls. They give me glimpses, so many glimpses. Do not try to seduce me with your well-planned words. With your false vulnerability. I feel you at your safe distance. I can see what you are doing.
We're all scared. Risk, I get it. Heartbreak. Of course. Memories. So haunting. I'm tired of the indecisiveness. Meet me on the bridge, or don't. I say this lovingly. Do not settle for an unready love. A love that still needs healing. A love that has not let go. A love that is not free. Heaviness will meet me there, heaviness is willing. We spend our time together, we sit, we share. This is real sharing. This is real. The heaviness.
"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars..." ~ Jack Kerouac
You see, my problem is that I believe people when they tell me who they are. I believe them, why wouldn’t I? It takes time for the incongruence to show itself. Cognitive dissonance. People can talk a lot at first, they share the dreams they hold, upfront, with dreams. So many dreams.
Dreams are built in the sky and have a tendency to fall from the clouds when we don’t risk ourselves falling to jump and meet them.
So many hearts, protecting. So many hearts, brimming with fear. My dear, where has your love gone? Your trust was never taken, it was offered. Trust is a gift, it must always be offered. Do not be scared, my love. Do not be angry. It was a gift. The time has come. Let it go.
"do not choose the lesser life. do you hear me. do you hear me. choose the life that is. yours. the life that is seducing your lungs. that is dripping down your chin." ~ Nayyirah Waheed
What can I do when they haven't the courage to meet me? And I get it. The bridge is not for the weak, and I have spent years of my life. weak. The bridge is not for those who would rather stay safe than to risk their life for love. Love is not safe. It is mad. dangerous. beautiful. What can I do when I see through the veil of cloth they think protects them? What can I do when they deny its very existence? I have no time for your halfhearted love. I dip my toes in the river. I sit on the sun soaked grass. I weep. My heart is breaking.
My heart is heavy with ink. Words. Words needing to be real, to be penned.
"Forget safety. Live where you fear to live. Destroy your reputation. Be notorious." ~ Rumi
People have this way of small talking me with their depth. Sharing certain depths of their life in an attempt to protect their heart, it’s a fascinating thing. This. Adaptation.
Be cautious of those who will not open for you. For it is only those who have truly opened for themselves that have the strength to open for another. Be cautious of the buds. Tightly closed. Beware the addictive nature of hope. Unrealized. Potential.
Ready. Whatever it takes. Utter abandon. This love both electrifies and terrifies me. It is. wild. Incautious. Unapologetic. Curious.
This love. Ready. To meet me on that bridge.
The New Colossus "Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame, with conquering limbs astride from land to land; here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand a mighty woman with a torch, whose flame is the imprisoned lightning, and her name Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command the air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame. 'Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!' cries she with silent lips. 'Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door?" ~ Emma Lazarus
Leave me. Take your caution with you. I have no time for a guarded heart. No energy left to convince you. No desire left for the challenge of the cracking. Glimpses. You can only offer me. Glimpses. I swell and rise with the coming of the tides, pulled by unseen forces. Leaving seashells in my wake. Tell me, have you seen the glory of nature, does it play so small? I didn't think so.
You do not scare me. Whatever it is you are fearful of, I can handle it. Closeness. Terrifying. The space, I can hold it. Do not underestimate me. Fragile frame and kind eyes, but do not be fooled. I am half girl. all warrior. I do not run.
Leave me. Take your caution with you.
I want real. If you’re staying, then stay. Give me you. give me real. I crave to be healed. Don't be ridiculous. You can’t heal me. But I can. but. only if we’re real. The magic is in between the mirroring of authenticity. That’s where I find my healing. In truth. The magic. between the mirroring. The addictions take hold in the illusion. the falsity. the manipulation projected as truthfulness. You’re covering your wounds. But. They need the air to breathe. You’re manufacturing your pain and calling it a healthy caution.
I’m skeptical. Don't be ridiculous. I don't believe anything too scientific without checking its sources. but. I'm a fool for love. A fool. The world is riddled with lies. People would sooner manipulate you than share with you their scars. Yet. I'll plunge, again, and again. I'll dip my toes in that river and sit on the bank on that sun soaked grass. I'll weep. My heart will break, again, and again. Still. I will always. be. ready to meet you. on that bridge.
Leave me. Take your caution with you.
True sharing is otherworldly. Transformative. You share and I share and we discover something. I share and you share and we come to know ourselves. in ways. Impossible. alone.
"Therefore whosoever heareth these sayins of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon rock: And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon rock. And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand: And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell: and great was the fall of it." ~ Matthew 7:24-27
You ask me questions. You keep me. answering. I share me. Tell me, my love, when did you close your heart? Is her memory worth it? Living. The rest of your life. Chained. You’ve been hurt. I know. We all have. It was different. I know. They all are.
Do you feel the anxiety as you get ahead of yourself? Do you feel the familiar ache of depression at the memory of how it was? Do you shut down, the truth, to stop from feeling that way again? Do you convince yourself you’re opening up? while. collecting brick and mortar. Are you building a wall just behind the sternum, between rib and heart? I've been there.
Tell me of your fears. Do they involve me? Are you terrified?
Share with me. your truth.
Give me your heart. Offer me. your risk. For only then, it is real. Only then. It is love. An offering, a gift. No guarantees. All heart. All risk. Then I will know you have the courage to love me. You have the same desire to share. To be. Vulnerable. Truthfully.