"Every man dies. Not every man lives." ~ William Wallace
"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all." ~ Oscar Wilde
I have this fear that I’ve turned into an irresponsible person. That I’ve thrown care to the wayside and have traded it in for sheer enjoyment. That I've flung myself off of the edge of certainty and have no intention of clawing my way back up the precipice.
You see, I have tasted freedom. And freedom, once tasted, consumed me. It is all I can think about. Freedom. It's ever expanding nature. Unbridled adventure. Curiosity. I feel blessed that I have been able to experience the creative life whilst terrified knowing that my life will never look the same. I will never again sacrifice my freedom for certainty. I love myself too much.
"In a society that profits from your self-doubt, liking yourself is a rebellious act." ~ Caroline Caldwel
I don’t do things I don’t want to do anymore. Not big things at least. Somebody once told me to avoid doing anything out of feeling obligated or feeling like it says something about my character if I don't do whatever it is. Now, I want to make something clear. I can already hear the uproar of voices yelling at me acting as if I'm telling people to never do anything they don't feel like doing again. So. To be clear. That is not what I am saying. I do the assignments that I don’t want to do to continue on with the education that is calling me. I clean the litter box whether I feel like it or not. I show up for life regardless of my mood. Some days all I can muster up is, "it's another day, let's get through it," and I try and remember that there are always things to be grateful for. Of course. I do these things.
But, I will tell you what I don't do. I don't spend time in places that aren't healthy for my energy. I don't avoid setting boundaries with people, even and especially with people that I love, dearly. I don't circumvent speaking the truth, even when it's most uncomfortable. I don’t play it safe anymore. I don’t go with what’s easy and slowly drowning my creativity in exchange for the promises of guaranteed income. I don’t play by societies overwhelming rules.
And. Sometimes this makes me feel crazy.
Tell me, am I crazy?
"A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?" ~ Albert Einstein
I have this fear that I’ve turned into an irresponsible person. I look back at how "responsible" I used to be. Giving up freedom, giving up fun in life, the enjoyment of living this adventure. for financial static. Working so much that life passed me by and I barely had time for sleep. I should clarify, working so much at something that had little intrinsic meaning for me all while my life was passing me by, endlessly. Working to work. Exchanging the days of my life for money.
Saying no to fun. Giving up days off for calls from work because of an “emergency.” Trading my life for coins and bills. Thinking every need of a company mattered more than my own, because, well, the world deserved every bit of me. I thought it selfish to save any energy for myself. A scheduled day of self-care couldn't possibly count as having plans, could it? No, of course not. The world needed me. The world needs bosses and the world needs workers. The world needs people to be sleepily productive. Sleepily so you don't notice the chains that have grown to bind your wrists, productive because the mouths of consumerism are endless. Sleepily, so you never dare to dream that you could be enough, without this. work. I was busy. Always busy. Collecting and saving as much as I could so that maybe one day I could afford a life. This was me at the prime of my “responsibility.”
Trading life for security. Remaining small for risk of failure. Denying dreams for fear of instability.
Is this responsibility, this sacrificial living?
You tell me.
"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds." ~ Albert Einstein
Now don’t get me wrong, I still don’t sleep as much as I’d like. But my life is dripping with ideas. Creativity. Life. I’m still afraid. I still wonder if I’m crazy. Am I? I’ve moved past the threshold now, where at least 51% of the time I answer no. Majority holder. I call this progress.
Life, no matter how unpredictable, has always taken care of me. What more can I trust?
My ideas of what I deserve have changed. I no longer believe that I have to give my life for success. That I have to crawl my way through the desert of broken promises and dreams in hopes of finding the well of societal recognition. I used to want to have the courage to hold myself to a higher standard, to stop accepting what life was handing me (rather what my subconscious tapes were continually playing on loop in the background) and dare to dream of what my heart called for. I used to dream.
Responsibility. What does it even mean? You have to worry enough, you have to have all your t's crossed and your i's dotted, you must be educated but not too educated that you were wasteful and indulgent, smart but not too smart for your own good, enough brands and material objects and who cares about the rest. Soul crushing. Realism. If you can even call it that. What is real, anyway? But we'll get into that another time. Anyway. Realism. So highly valued by a society that would have you trade your life for indentured servitude, give your joys for work, productivity, and then praise you for being the most “responsible” human. This does not sound like life, this sounds like indoctrination.
"It is not enough to be busy, so are the ants. The question is: What are we busy about?" ~ Henry David Thoreau
Where is your freedom?
When you look in the mirror and ask yourself if you are living the way that you want to be living, do you feel like you have the freedom to answer truthfully?
Tell me, where is your freedom? If money were of no value, what would you die for?
When is the last time you sat and listened to your hearts longing? When is the last time somebody cared to ask what you burn for?
Tell me, I’m listening. I have a genuine curiosity to understand. The hearts of men whisper truths of longing, the minds of men do what they deem best. I ask you, according to whose standards? You can’t take your wealth with you, you can't take your brands. If you can't take the material possessions you have collected, if your consumerism cannot be transposed when you leave this luscious and beautiful world, what will you have? What will have been the purpose?
To breathe, to love, to live.
This is the purpose.
Are you living? Can you hear your heart, can you feel her whispers? Do you have the courage, to listen?
"Fear is only as deep as the mind allows." ~ Japanese Proverb
I have this fear that I am an irresponsible person. That I somehow morphed into somebody that no longer cares to support my life in a safe and secure way.
I have been thinking. My mind is filled with wonders. mutterings. Dreams and doubts. But I have been thinking. I do not think I am an irresponsible person, I think that I finally know what it truly means to be responsible, for life. I am responsible for my life. While I am grateful for the way that I had been living, for it brought me here, I can’t call that responsibility, I can’t call that life.
Trading my life for money.
"It is not the man who has too little, but the man who craves more, that is poor." ~ Seneca
Money is lovable, it’s a beautiful energetic contribution to life on earth. An energetic currency of exchange. It is helpful, giving, ever flowing, a wonderful tool for these lives we are living. I am grateful for it. I am grateful for this presence in my life. I love money and I'm not afraid to say that. I love my friends. I love my family. And. I will not trade my life for any of them. I will not be a martyr for something. My life has value. I have worth. Just as much as anyone else. We all have worth. In a society that tells us it is noble to trade our lives, it is a rebellious act to love yourself enough to say “no." It is noble, it is courageous, it is respectful of this magical life that you have been given, to care for it. It is our responsibility to have the confidence and courage to choose the way that we show up and interact with the world. This is responsibility.
I will not chase things in my life anymore. I do not have to. It will not be any more worth it if I bleed until I’m weak upon arrival. Things that are meant for me will flow to me. I continue to work on myself, I clear the blocks that have been set into pattern. The things that are meant for you in this world will always find you. Trust living. Beaten and trampled, broken on the wheels of life. These things that are meant for you. They will still find you.
"do not choose the lesser life. do you hear me. do you hear me. choose the life that is. yours. the life that is seducing your lungs. that is dripping down your chin." ~ Nayyirah Waheed
In a world so focused on productivity where can you ever find the time to listen? That in itself sounds irresponsible to the indoctrinated mind. "Take time to listen, when I could be productive?" I know this life, I have lived it. I know it well. But. I am not speaking of living the ordinary life that has been sold to you. I am speaking for the courageous life, the life filled with meaning, purpose, joy. It is not free of sadness, melancholy, it is not free from the ache. I am not speaking of the ordinary life, I am speaking of the extraordinary life, the life you were meant for, the one you are more than capable of living.
Who do you expect to free you from the shackles of your own mind, if not yourself? This is a rebellious act. To dream of one’s freedom and to dare to risk societies expectations for a chance to experience your most beautiful life.
I have a genuine curiosity. What is stopping you? What is holding you back? My dear, speak to me of your fears. I can hold them. In stillness, what does your heart speak? In the moment after it’s gone, what does your mind say to stop it?
“Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you. Stop acting so small. You are the universe in ecstatic motion. Set your life on fire. Seek those who fan your flames.” ~ Rumi
You are not alone.
When you are aligned with your heart, what you want to do naturally aligns with how you can be of the most benefit to the world. This is the wonder, this is the magic of life. When you are coming from your place of ultimate freedom, of love, passion, your highest existence, your desires for yourself will align effortlessly with the needs of the world. You will be of the highest service and you will be filled with the utmost gratitude as your life becomes an act of service, dedicated to love. Love. genuine service. Doing what YOU were particularly meant to do. This will never ask you to be a martyr, to trade your life for something else. Love doesn’t do that, dysfunction does.
Your heart, what does she whisper? What does your mind have to say? Together, we'll arrange the puzzle pieces. Let’s uncover the lies from your fears and unearth the truths from the garden of your heart.